Coming "off" it

I'm on self-enforced coffee cold turkey.

Figured that my week(s) of poor-sorry-me depression cant remain blamed on a mega case of PMT; slights by my sister-in-law; or on the grey freezing days; or on my job which is awesome but reeeely scary!; or my mother who is so kind but cant replace my dad; or being overweight cos I'm not or lack of exercise cos there really IS no excuse; or my dad being dead because it was his time to be called; or my split between unavailable French man or far away Aussie man; or just or...

NOPE! Pull yourself together woman! Lilly livered sissy. The coffee has got to go! I dont know where that got decided. Maybe dad's ghost was in the kitchen this morning whilst I was unloading the dishwasher and setting to with an enthusiastic frenzy of making cranberry and apple smoothies (yummo!). Something or someone said "no" to me.

I'm now engulfed in a dreadful headache. Constant, dull, brain crushing. No pain no gain huh! OK - so this must be a good sign then. Perhaps I can make this last longer than a day. Perhaps I can make this last even! No more blackness suffocating my soul, no more sleep depriving achy hips from too much arthritis causing caffeine. No more irritability (wow!). Could this be the dawn of my 2009....

With my new found joie de vivre I walked dad's walk this morning. An hour by the lanes to the little village shop to get the Weekend paper. It was like being in a winter fairyland. Now I understand what on earth they mean when they say "freezing fog". Double Dutch to me until this morning. Im told its called "Rime Frost" and is really rare and only occurs when there is fog and frost. The fog freezes on the trees and on the grass and on the bushes and shrubs and flowers and twigs; twiglets; leaves; berries. Everything everywhere is covered by centimetres of frost that has melted and refrozen in icicles that hang, sparkling in the sunshine. It is COOL! Really really cool. Inspires an instant child-like wonder. Yesterday we had the same, but it was thick thick fog when I obliged myself to do my walk across the fields coocooning me in my own special world. Bouncing sound-waves off at strange angles so that the noise of distant cars sounded bizarre.

But today was better. Much better. I walked behind the house and paused, mesmerised. The neighbours trees bordering the field were entirely covered in glorious sparkling white ice. The little branches hanging over the path making a tunnel through a magical world.

I walked up to the dam, it was almost completely frozen over except for 5 white swans sitting elegantly in one corner. And as I walked on down the frosty lanes slipping on the puddles of ice, more swans flew over honking adding to the other-worldly feeling. My special walk i did with dad so many times as he was dying, ravaged by lung cancer. He would have just loved today. Just loved it. Been on top of the world.

I met a woman with a bundle of salvaged kindling and a newspaper. (She'd obviously been to the shop too). Eager to share in my joy I bubbled my pleasure at her and got a carrot-up-my-arse stuck up English plumbed response. I think she was so caught off guard that I greeted her she didnt know what to say. Or perhaps she was caught off guard that i was so wonderfully enthusiastic by this incredible morning because she expected me to moan about it. Or perhaps she just thought i was a commoner - wrong there girl! Silly woman. If she paused for one moment she would see what she was missing. I felt sorry for her.

"There are none so old as those that have lost enthusiasm"