The hidden side

Oh yes. Its been a long time. Its been a black time. Filled with demons.

Today, I acknowledged to myself that I am in deep grieving for my dad and its ok. Its ok to have pain deep inside my soul. Poor sad soul.

Now I feel better.

I had the most profound meditation during my yoga on Thursday. I was reaching up to heaven. Giving myself to my dad. He was reaching down. Light. The veil parted between reality and the place beyond. And then the moment was shattered by someone beside me snoring and the yoga teacher putting on some music. But the words were amazing - the song was all about little Angels surrounding me. I lay there, silent tears rolling down my cheeks. Man I miss him.

I've been revolting lately. Revolting to everyone. Revolting to my mother, revolting to myself. Looking out on the grey February days. Not winter. Not summer. Just blankness. Like my soul. The trees bare with tiny buds appearing..
But its not that great anticipation ... waiting for the rains.. waiting for the stark grey forests of Mopane to burst to life like magic one special morning, twinkling like tiny jewels. The colour of gold. Just fleetingly gone in a day when the leaves begin to turn green.
Or the harsh suffocating hiss of the cicadas invading your brain, consuming your thoughts. Intense. Unnatural.
Or the first short 2 noted call of the Paradise Flycatcher. You hear him before you see him. But you know he's outside there somewehre in the trees flicking his gorgeous flowing chestnut tail. Mango Madness time.
The rains. The rains.. They're coming!
That intense heat. Numbing. Everybody. Everything. Waits.

The change in the seasons here is so gentle by comparison, so unsurprising. So bloody boring. Where are your balls man!!!!

Its got to change. Me, not the seasons. My aura is affecting my interaction with people at work. Hah - at work - i work from home - but you know what i mean. Emails and phonecalls and meetings and stuff. Crankiness, insecurity doesnt equal success girl! I need to work at 120% not 80%.

But I've been trying hard. My dear poor soul needs tenderness. And since I'm not getting it from a lover it has to be self made.
Friday was blissful lesson number 4.
Made myself known by asking the owner of the Dance School if she worked there! Good one girl! I had got the hell in with my dance shoes and my long hunt to find a pair that fit. I'd even ordered two pairs on the web. Been to the opposing dance school and squeezed my toes into all sorts of shoes rather like the Ugly Sister. Walked out of the shop as the girl was disinterested and unhelpful. So finally - Friday came around, again, and again i had no dance shoes and now I was desperate.
Asking Sue (aka the woman who works there) to help me, I tried on the first pair and it fitted like a glove! Hooraaay! Finnnnnallleeeeee!

Note to self. Take photo of dance shoe. I will, I promise I will - I'm just feeling slack right now.... ok.. done :)

They have suede soles to stop you from slipping.. Ever knew that?! I didnt! Fancy pancy! I cant believe I can do the Jive in something with 2 1/2 inch heels and not break my neck! Having spent most of my life either barefoot or in "sensible" heels. Theres a hidden side to me indeed!

Ah. Time to end this blog before I ramble on too much. Man in Australia has stood me up on Skype or got the time wrong, again. So I'm off to bed. No doubt there will be some excuse ... though I'm tiring of it. He needs a wakeup. I'm sick of my biological clock ticking, telling me to hitch up with a mate asap. Why cant it just bugger off. Why cant I just have more time to choose, to decide. Then I wouldnt give a damn about some Aussie guy standing me up. Destiny. Life's strange and mysterious ways.

Twinkley twinkley dreamland

Oh my word! I am Obsessed... with a ginormous, capital O.

Completely, utterly. From inner core to out. Jump up and down. Giggly. Dreamily. Fantasmically. Over the moooon.

I had it. My first one on one...

And it was the best thing in a hundred years! Oh wow! I cant stop thinking about it. Day, night - three in the morning, five to five... (when my stupid new phone woke me up to tell me that my next lesson was about to start!! Bloody thing!... The phone was only 6 days and 12 hours too early - go figure that one out! But then... guess what...... I was ALREADY awake anyway, thinking about dancing! At that time in the morning! Tossing and turning and trying to sleep... and failing abysmally with just one thing in my mind)

So - as I said in my last blog.. I started group dance classes 3 lessons ago. In a crummy school hall with an odd assortment of english people. The women outnumbering the men. The men rather nerdy looking. But I was absolutely determined. Odd people aside. On a one way mission to achieve my life long dream of learning how to dance. And blissfully free of the shackles of a disinterested boyfriend who refused to join me despite years of begging (perhaps that was just my pathetic excuse for being a scaredy cat).

For years I had been put off ever going to another class after my first experience in the sweaty tropical city of Darwin, Australia. I got some guy who thought I was after a pickup and wouldnt let go of my hand, even long after the music stopped. Eugh. Sis.

So - 3 group classes later, persevering through the line ups - men, "honorary men" (i.e. me as I had to partner with another woman), opposite women; the painfully slow explanation of the footseps; and a female partner who was rather uncoordinated... I then saw an article in the local paper about a couple who had just won some national competition and had trained at a rival dance school.

My cue... :) :)

Hoop-la! Have you ever spent a whole hour beaming from ear to ear? ME me me!! I did! I felt like I was floating in a twinkley dreamland.

My teacher was this ordinary slobby looking kind of guy in an old t-shirt and very sweaty and smelly!! Euuww! so English!! (No wonder - he'd been on the dance floor for the past 8+hours!) But he was gorgeously sweet and wonderful. He waved his magic wand - I shimmied up close to him... body touching right up close! Sweat and all. And we sailed across the floor, backwards and forwards for an hour. Past the 5 or 6 other one-on-ones, the teachers asking us if we needed more room. "My" man mumbling something about, am I SURE i've never done any other lessons before? I promise, never!! Mumbling more about "you do that really naturally"... say what ... am I a natural?! And then... to cap it off I was moaning about my stupid shoes that kept slipping their heel and saying I cant do that properly because of my shoes... He took me into their little store-room... no.. not what you are thinking! .. he took me into their steamy hot storeroom and showed me the rows of shoes for sale but said... these are for Ballroom and these are for Latin... But if you want to Compete, you need these ones, so its best you wait until you decide which you prefer, Latin or Ballroom........ Say what again!? Competing! No way!!! Cool! Never thought about that. What fun!! I want the shoes now!!! Puleeeeez! I want it ALL! Every single dance imaginable - Argentinian Tango, the Waltz, the Salsa, the Quickstep - everything! I want to come to your class tomorrow and the next day and the next... but now I have to wait a whole week! Impossible! I cant!

I feel like my soul is bursting, overflowing. This incredible release of energy. Oh my word. Honey on my wounds. I want to talk about it non-stop. Tell everyone I see. "Do you know what I did on Friday..." the hairdresser, the bank teller... Everyone. :)

:) ... :) ... :) ... :)