The hidden side

Oh yes. Its been a long time. Its been a black time. Filled with demons.

Today, I acknowledged to myself that I am in deep grieving for my dad and its ok. Its ok to have pain deep inside my soul. Poor sad soul.

Now I feel better.

I had the most profound meditation during my yoga on Thursday. I was reaching up to heaven. Giving myself to my dad. He was reaching down. Light. The veil parted between reality and the place beyond. And then the moment was shattered by someone beside me snoring and the yoga teacher putting on some music. But the words were amazing - the song was all about little Angels surrounding me. I lay there, silent tears rolling down my cheeks. Man I miss him.

I've been revolting lately. Revolting to everyone. Revolting to my mother, revolting to myself. Looking out on the grey February days. Not winter. Not summer. Just blankness. Like my soul. The trees bare with tiny buds appearing..
But its not that great anticipation ... waiting for the rains.. waiting for the stark grey forests of Mopane to burst to life like magic one special morning, twinkling like tiny jewels. The colour of gold. Just fleetingly gone in a day when the leaves begin to turn green.
Or the harsh suffocating hiss of the cicadas invading your brain, consuming your thoughts. Intense. Unnatural.
Or the first short 2 noted call of the Paradise Flycatcher. You hear him before you see him. But you know he's outside there somewehre in the trees flicking his gorgeous flowing chestnut tail. Mango Madness time.
The rains. The rains.. They're coming!
That intense heat. Numbing. Everybody. Everything. Waits.

The change in the seasons here is so gentle by comparison, so unsurprising. So bloody boring. Where are your balls man!!!!

Its got to change. Me, not the seasons. My aura is affecting my interaction with people at work. Hah - at work - i work from home - but you know what i mean. Emails and phonecalls and meetings and stuff. Crankiness, insecurity doesnt equal success girl! I need to work at 120% not 80%.

But I've been trying hard. My dear poor soul needs tenderness. And since I'm not getting it from a lover it has to be self made.
Friday was blissful lesson number 4.
Made myself known by asking the owner of the Dance School if she worked there! Good one girl! I had got the hell in with my dance shoes and my long hunt to find a pair that fit. I'd even ordered two pairs on the web. Been to the opposing dance school and squeezed my toes into all sorts of shoes rather like the Ugly Sister. Walked out of the shop as the girl was disinterested and unhelpful. So finally - Friday came around, again, and again i had no dance shoes and now I was desperate.
Asking Sue (aka the woman who works there) to help me, I tried on the first pair and it fitted like a glove! Hooraaay! Finnnnnallleeeeee!

Note to self. Take photo of dance shoe. I will, I promise I will - I'm just feeling slack right now.... ok.. done :)

They have suede soles to stop you from slipping.. Ever knew that?! I didnt! Fancy pancy! I cant believe I can do the Jive in something with 2 1/2 inch heels and not break my neck! Having spent most of my life either barefoot or in "sensible" heels. Theres a hidden side to me indeed!

Ah. Time to end this blog before I ramble on too much. Man in Australia has stood me up on Skype or got the time wrong, again. So I'm off to bed. No doubt there will be some excuse ... though I'm tiring of it. He needs a wakeup. I'm sick of my biological clock ticking, telling me to hitch up with a mate asap. Why cant it just bugger off. Why cant I just have more time to choose, to decide. Then I wouldnt give a damn about some Aussie guy standing me up. Destiny. Life's strange and mysterious ways.

Wind whistling in the chimney

I've just read a friend's blog Ngorobob Hill and each time I do i get homesick. This last one she's been home to Zambia which makes it even worse for me... red dust; rainstorms; the smells and sounds of the rainy season. My favourite time of year.. And I've brought myself to this strange place?! Oh my word. Where the windows remain closed and the only sound of the outside world is through the t.v. or the wind whistling in the chimney. My soul screams to be outside but its grey (or dark) and COLD! Yeah yeah, excuses. Pathetic. And I thought I was tough!

Why is it that the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side? Here I find myself in England.. A strange land where everything is new and unfamiliar.

Well - its a long story so will explain another day. But here I am approaching the big 4.0. this year. Oh god. That dawned on me just today (Im blonde so I'm allowed to be a bit slow on the uptake!) Euff... and having finally abandoned the boyfriend just at the crucial i-need-to-have-kids-now-if-i'm-going-to-have-them-before-its-too-late kind of time.. fell passionately into the arms of a seductively French, french-man who just ended up breaking my heart (long story). So here I am empty handed. In a foreign land. Faaaaaar from home. With one mission - to fall passionately in love.

Ah well... things will be different this year. I lost my wonderful dad to cancer 3 months ago. So the future will be new, strange, lonely, scary, sad... like learning to walk again. But he taught me well and made me strong. So lets see where the journey goes.

He left me with impressions that are burnt indelibly into my brain. To truly count my blessings and treat each day as a gift. To respect all beings and above all to be cheerful. So - my black void of self-pitying blood-sucking depression has to be put behind me now. For I have a lot to achieve this coming year, 2009. He keeps sending me messages to remind me that I have MUCH to be grateful for. I'm will be strong for you dad.